Yeah, yeah, it's been more than a little while since I updated my blog. One of my last postings was how I felt lost and frustrated--somewhat in regard to my chosen religion (LDS/Latter-day Saint/Mormon). I've come to resolution regarding those struggles. In fact, I was rebaptized into the church in January. It's been awesome! It's good to have my own testimony and faith that this is the true church, and where I need to be. Of course, knowing I'm where I need to be and knowing it's the truth doesn't necessarily make it...easy. I'll be 28 in eighteen days (on March 23rd) and have some other elements of who I've become in my life that make it challenging to be Mormon. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm not. I acknowledge that God has far greater plans for me then I can comprehend, and he plays the game for my best/ultimate benefit...and not what might've been easier. Did you know that Christianity got off track a while back and began expecting happiness and an easier life from God. That's how being "blessed" has become defined for most Christians. I learned recently that it's a fatal misunderstanding in Christianity because true Blessedness (as the word was defined in Christ's day) means something entirely different then simple happiness or easy life. The first Christians considered a blessed life to be one that provided precious growth opportunities...a life that stretched and challenged them spiritually and mentally...indeed, according to the true definition of blessedness, Job was VERY blessed. I know I'm doing a poor job of explaining the difference... but to really boil it down to the essentials. Christians today think of "blessed" as: happiness, health, better quality of life, etc. versus Christians of yesterday (first-gen Christians) who considered blessed: growth, stretching, challenges, adversity, etc. In the true definition of blessedness I have been VERY blessed in my life. See, as I think I hinted to in previous posts, an LDS guy has the best chance of getting married if he follows the traditional life path: graduate for High School, do a couple semesters of College, go on a mission for two years, come back and resume college while dating. Marry a gal that you get along with in the temple and live happily ever after. So, for someone like me who's (nearly) 28, with no mission and no degree (yet) I'm not exactly the world's most eligible Mormon bachelor. That reality isn't easy for me to live with now, but I know that eventually I'll see it as a blessing. It can be discouraging occasionally to recognize that at 28 I'm--in many ways--no further along in life than an 18 year old. I'm kind of starting from scratch. Even more intimidating is the fact that I have mounds of bad debt that an 18 year old doesn't have. However, I also have a lot of strength, courage, and maturity that an 18 year old doesn't have. My capacity to create the kind of life that I want is far greater now than it even has been. So, life is good. I know that eventually I'll meet a precious LDS woman who will love and appreciate me for all that I am. Until then I'm determinedly bettering myself and making up for lost time. I'm improving myself so that when I meet that woman she'll be overjoyed at finding such an outstanding catch (myself). So no, I'm no longer lost and confused. I'm very clear on where I am, what I value, and how to get what I want out of life. It obviously won't be easy. But almost nothing worthwhile is easy.

Ok, out of left field I have a bit of an introspective look at my heart
which is currently alternating between ache and anger (or perhaps more
accurately, frustration). I belong to a religion which I love, but
which can be excrutiatingly difficult to live sometimes. The religion I
belong to believes that families can be together forever, that marriage
can last into and for all eternity, which I thoroughly believe, and
which is a concept I love about the faith. However, now the real nasty
about this concept... unfortunately marriage and family forever can
only occur between members of the faith who have made various covenants
to God in the form of ordinances (for instance, baptism by immersion).
Ok, I can already tell I'm butchering the beauty of the doctrine while
trying desperately to explain it in 20 words or less. Essentially, two
worthy members who lead largely righteous lives can be "sealed"
together for time and all eternity. Nice, right? Right. Except when you
live in a small town as I do where the dating pool of members is
effectively ZERO, ZILCH, NADDA, etc. Sure, there are other female
members, but none of them are my "type." That and almost all of them
are moving in the next couple weeks to go back to college whereever
they go to college. Starting to see my quandary? So, if there's none in
the member dating pool that interest me then I struggle with the
options, or lack thereof. I could date a non-member, but unfortunately
I like sex and am a little too physical to delude myself that I could
date a non-member without

For those who read this and aren't as possessed by occasional fits of pop-culture as I am, Rob Thomas did a piece with Carlos Santana which I absolutely loved called "Smooth." It was truly a smooth and beguiling piece of rock, and now that Rob has released his own album (I believe before this release he was the lead singer for Matchbox 20... maybe?) we have more 'smooth' music. It's some very good stuff, lyrically and musically. I'm listening to it as I write this entry, and I can already tell that I love his solo performance stuff as much as that which he's created with the band. Yeah, so I have some seriously eclectic taste... Backstreet Boys, Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20? Well, it get's crazier. Just wait till I drop some praises on your ears for some new hip-hop album. No, I'm not a wanna-be that changes my taste in music depending on who I'm talking to, or who really gets into the "scene" of any kind of music... I just love a wide range of different types of music and I don't mind expressing it to whomever I'm around, or pounding out a rhythm in my car in a very non-white way. lol. It's great fun.

Yes, I have a Shrink (Psychologist), and yes I go to therapy. What's that? Oh, I seem so normal? Well, you haven't known me that long, give it time.

Actually, therapy is really helpful for me and I think that anyone that can afford it should check it out. No one is so damn healthy that they can't use trained objectivity to help them get more out of life.

In my case you're right, I am pretty normal, and relatively healthy. However, after having... at last count over 50 different jobs, one divorce, no education, thirteen left feet... oh, someone can't have thirteen left feet, you say? Nice job, that was a test... to see if you're still, uh, reading. Um, right, where was I, oh, right... uh, failure to follow through.

I have this massive hangup somewhere deep inside that causes signifigant life difficulties, like keeping a job is challenging for me. So, as I don't want to be a bum or continue having job after job, and I'd like to have a family some day and be able to support them... therapy, as long as it's effective, is pretty much the only way to move past the hurdles inside and get on with life. My therapist is excellent, and well worth the money. So far I've been to see him... 12 times? I feel like I'm making progress, albeit slowly. I guess it does make sense that a lifetime of poor and incorrect conditioning takes more than just a couple months to fix.

My main problem? Incredibly intense self-doubt. I just don't believe in myself. Well, there's that, and the fact that I seem to have a much lower tolerance for b.s. in places of employment. Either that or I get fired because I'm late (control issues? ...I'm late to everything), or incompetent (bored? self sabotage?). I could go on, but I won't, I'll spare you.

In short, therapy works if your therapist is skilled... they help guide you out of the circles we can be so skilled at talking ourselves around and around in.

Yes, I'm going to go out on a limb here and praise the continual brilliance of the Backstreet Boys and their support team (producers, etc). I keep expecting to grow out of liking their music, but each new album I find myself adoring even more than the previous one. What can I say, they have beautiful lyrics, incredible voices, amazing music composition, and they seem to be able to remain above becoming "trite" with their material. Dam, I find myself singing along again... this CD is going to be on repeat in my car, in my clock radio, everywhere... comeon, can you seriously not listen to "Siberia" without nearly bawling? "Incomplete" is also an awesome track, as is "My Beautiful Woman" ...ok, now I'm going to continue singing along while I watch swallows building their nests outside (fascinating btw).

Wow, am I pathetic, lazy or both? I haven't even gotten a paragraph into my first "future" news and I'm already worn out. Good God (and I say that in the totally not taking his name in vain way) it's mentally exhausting trying to think of a potential news item from the future and then collect the facts and additional perspective to give it weight.

*sigh*

I may have to start out writing little blurbs which are less complicated in nature and thereby less representative of my true genius, uh, right. Maybe a good one would be a future blurb, um, "US PLACES 39TH IN WORLD SPELLING BEE." What-da-ya all think?

So, y'all are gonna REALLY love me! Not. I'm one of those truly
impressive people who have a lot to say that can often be inflammatory.
Like, there was this once... ok, no, I won't tell you all about the
catastophy with an insane neighbor, but I'll just say that it
eventually took a restraining order to put her on a leash.



So what the hell is the deal with FutureTalk? Well, it's my attempt to
write about the future in the present... e.g. say that the U.S. pulled
all our troops out of Iraq tomorrow, how would someone see that
decision five years from now or thirty, or more? As you can imagine
this is perhaps THE most powerful way of shaping opinion and persuasive
writing as it paints very vivid word pictures, and carries the
authenticity of being "news" even if it's obviously not actual news.
Great manipulative stuff, yeehaw!